When you think of who you are, what words do you choose to describe your fine self?
Are you generous? Stingy? Superdupercrystalclear? Uncertain? Kindasorta on some things, notsomuch on others?
The way we describe ourselves is part of what’s know as Identity.
In a CEO Accelerator I’m currently enrolled in, Identity was front and center in the first few weeks of our program. Eyes. Opened.
When we’re given the invite & space to think about who we are – I mean really t h i n k about us, on a personal, granular, whoamIeveryday level – we start thinking differently.
When we start thinking differently it can feel uncomfortable because we’re also likely to behave differently.
It is uncomfortable – that’s called growth. And nothing about growth is comfort-focused. Dropping that thinking right now will benefit you beyond belief.
The seed is uncomfortable breaking through the seed shell…the fish works hard to swim upstream to spawn (hard work!)…the recipe takes longer than you thought to prepare (rightly so since it’s still work)…. your career isn’t moving as rapidly as you would like (of course that’s because work is extended learning; there’s no short cut or pill to take to shorten the distance).
When we get uncomfortable we often have our metaphorical elbows out, often up and ready for defending ourselves. Holding what feels like precious-and-still-starkly-unclear-yet-still-ours ground.
Here’s the deal: holding onto that falsely precious ground gets us into a zone of growth quicksand.
We’re stymied, our desires delayed because we’re trying to either avoid growth or expect* rapidity, when time and experience is what is necessary.
In those times our elbows are usually fully out and up – ready to strike down or not listen to the holisticness needed for growth.
We’re fully disconnected.
It’s time we all drop our elbows – literal and symbolic.
It’s time we realize that we are all more alike than we are different.
It’s time we live that feeling of humanity into reality in our daily actions.
Case in point.
On a recent flight, my seatmate, whom I’d been having friendly and lively conversation with, kept leaning forward to look at another passenger who was repeatedly coughing.
It certainly wasn’t a comforting feeling, to hear the coughing, though the continued leaning forward to look at that person wasn’t kind nor helpful.
It was an elbows up behavior that felt adversarial instead of empathetic.
What if instead of leaning forward and giving the stink eye, my seatmate would have inquired with the flight attendant – is there anything we can do to help that other passenger feel better? Hot tea? Instead of giving the judgy look, over and over, my seatmate could have asked for a mask if they didn’t want to catch something.
This is one example of elbows up everyday behavior: I’m better, smarter, louder, stronger than you. This is how I will go forth, damn the torpedoes, because I feel like I’m right or I Can. And you’re in the wrong.
Drastic conclusion?
I don’t think so. Because when we go through life with elbows up, we’re keeping ourselves locked in a state of energy and soul depleting fight response mode. Even if our mode is more flight or even freeze than fight, we’re still overtaxing our systems, we’re handicapping ourselves by choosing to judge others.
The world is inhabited by the most invasive species ever: Humans. Us. We. Me. You.
So if we’re going to do this thing called life, we’ll do it better, live better, and BE altogether better all-together if we put and keep our elbows down.
Drop them and keep them down so that other people see and follow our lead.
Here are three practices I invite you to exercise in these tempting moments of elbows-up:
1. Transplant yourself into the shoes of the person you feel offended or challenged by. Think, “If that were me, how would I want to be treated?” NOT “how would I act?” How would you want to be treated by others. Literally try to imagine YOU as THEM.
2. Suspend immediate judgement. When I teach audiences and teams the Connector’s Mindset of POW, it changes their thinking. POW = Positive Objective Willing. When we practice these three behaviors together, we are better humans. The O for Objective = suspending judgement, which on it’s own is enough to re/connect us.
3. Be kind. We may think we’re being kind and we likely are. Most or at least some of the time…to people we wish to be kind to…when we wish to be kind. Face it, you and me – we’re human and we judge. Consider kindness your superhumanskill that’s better for everyone in every way, so practice it relentlessly. Make your identify include kindness at the core.
That seatmate? I found myself kicking into high observation mode. High reflection mode too.
If I’m teaching this (like THIS, what you’re reading), how am I responding to my own lived experience – are my elbows and judgement down?
I invite you to pause in these moments like I did – and think, “how can I be my best self right now, in this very moment?” Respond accordingly with your most kind self.
Frankly, I’d love to sit next to that human again and keep the conversation growing. After the one time, I now have genuine questions to ask to hopefully engage and learn, listen, and be healthily challenged while maintaining kindness and connection.
It’s absolutely possible and it’s up to one every single one of us to do so.
Before we worry about changing others, we must change ourselves.
To do so requires elbows down, heart and mind open, and living POW.
Tell me one of your practices you actively work on to help amp connection and reduce judgement. You’ve got my full attention.
Be well, practice kind connection – you’ve got me cheering you on.
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*watch our for the trap of ‘expectation’ – that’s external and a dangerous idea for everyone.