People often share stories of connection with me. After I deliver a keynote, for example, or during a break in a workshop.
Every story has value and meaning from a storyteller who is compelled to share, based on what they heard or experienced in our time together. I love listening to what people want to tell me in these occasions during my work.
At a recent keynote, this very thing happened again. The setting was in a town I use to live close to and there were several familiar faces and friends in the audience. There were many new-to-me faces too.
One of the people who was new to me did in fact come up afterward to share a story. It was a relatively common one of having friends elsewhere, often friends who were part of a significant shared part of life – school, college, a particular phase, or work place.
The sharer told me they have friend, living many miles away across a few states, that they see occasionally. The sharer told me they struggle a bit with what to talk about, that the conversation can regress to what’s happened in the past; rehashing life, as it were, versus talking about now and the future. The sharer was wondering out loud with me about the value of those relationships. Were they worth it? Did they still want to have them and the friends in life?
It was a thoughtful conversation, I thanked them, and we parted ways.
Forward a few weeks later. An email arrived, responding to my follow up of attendees thanking them for being part of the event. The email was from the sharer. So I asked, “Did you have different thoughts around those friends you shared with me?”
The reply was beautiful to read.
“I got to go back and see them that weekend funny enough. I had to fly back.. so we carved out some time. It was great to see them, and it was like not a day had passed since we’d seen each other. We talked about the distance and the difficulty as adults and people who have so much going on in life. We all concluded that this is how our friendship can exist- we don’t need to stress about the last time we talked and when we will next. The things will happen when/if there’s time for them to happen.”
I call it beautiful because sometimes we feel like we Have-to or Should hold onto relationships for the sole reason that they currently exist. This doesn’t have to be your truth.
We grow, we change, we evolve, we transform – we’re human so while we’re changing our relationships will change as well. The beauty is that we get to choose how we approach the relationships in our lives. We get to choose who and when and what we want them to be, how we will invest and how we will step away.
The part that sings so loudly for me is “We all concluded that this is how our friendship can exist- we don’t need to stress about the last time we talked and when we will next.”
YES.
The We indicates they had a conversation, one that was meaningful, fruitful, and helped them all perhaps be kind to themselves and each other. This reduces the toxic ‘expectations’ word and elevates mutual kindness, affection even, and certainly respect.
Kylan is one of these friends for me.
Today think about what relationships you go in and out of, whether based on time, geography, modality and any other primary influencing factor. Decide to approach and talk about what you think or may want the relationship to be. Chances are high that the other person, or people, have been thinking about the same thing.
I’ll be first in line to say that I’ve fumbled some relationships, awkwardly departing them, and sometimes intentionally departing them. Human fallibility is in all of us. When I do in every case is reflect on myself first, and then determine how to keep going.
When we meet humans we find a connection with we want to continue, we want more. So it’s up to us to use our language and connection to ask, inquire, and otherwise figure out through communication what we can mutually make them to be.
Sometimes it’s returned – like the sharer told me, sometimes it’s not. And even when it’s not, that may be a good time to evaluate and move along anyway.
If you have a relationship story you want to share, please do. I’m here for you. 🧡
p.s. right now is an ideal time to send someone you care about and haven’t spoken with in some time a voice or audio message.